Arsenal Hotspur FC

Note: This is a work of fiction. We are not in any way implying that North London’s two clubs should merge, despite it being really the best solution for everyone involved. 

Crazy idea that just might work: What if Tottenham and Arsenal were to merge clubs?

The two North London teams are flawed on their own, but together? The sky is the limit.

Let’s look at the logistics and examine how it would work, in theory:

While Mauricio Pochettino is a great manager in his own right, the merger ensures that Arsene Wenger, Le Voyeur himself, is put in charge of this club. Wenger can do what he does best, coach and develop talent, while the business of the club is handled by someone else, much like David Dein used to do in the early years of Arsene’s Highbury tenure. And while Daniel Levy is no David Dein, he is a ruthless negotiator who can coax other clubs to pay top dollar (or pound) for his players, while also ensuring that Arsenal Hotspur (the name is a work in progress) get the players they desire.

What’s more, Levy is an insurance blanket for the Frenchman. Things have gotten a little too cozy for Wenger, with fans demanding change but not really acting towards it. There’s a sense that the Arsenal board is scared of booting Arsene at this point. I mean, I don’t blame them: the man is basically AFC, his fingerprints on everything the club does.

With Levy? Levy doesn’t give a fuck. He will fire Arsene if the club is in any sort of slump. Lose 5-0 to Liverpool? You’re gone. And it is this fear that will light a fire under the Voyeur. I don’t think he has feared for his job in like, six years, probably. Danny Boy will put the fear of Dieu in him.

***

The following is an exchange between manager and CEO of Arsenal Hotspur, exclusive to EDIZD.

Wenger: ‘Ello, Dan-yel.

Levy: Arsene, for the last time, it’s Dan-YUL, not Dan-YEL. What do you want?

Wenger: Well, I do apologize, Mr. Dan-yel. I was wondering, though, if you and Mr. Baddini could look into a player transfer for me?

Levy: BAL-dini, Arsene. Who is the player?

Wenger: Well, his name is Thibaut Vion, and he plays for M-

Levy: I’m gonna stop you right there, lad. He’s French, isn’t he?

Wenger: Well, yes, he is, he is a forward for Metz, but you interrupted m–

Levy: We’ve discussed this before, Arsene. We’ve sent you to seminars to deal with this obsession. We’ve also discussed that you need DEFENSIVE PLAYERS.

Wenger: No! It is not what you think! He has played in Portugal! And if you read Albert Camus, you will see he once said: “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” You will not suppress my summer, Dan-yel!

Levy: I’ll sell your summer for 15 million quid if I have to! After all, Camus also said, “to be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.”

Wenger: Listen to me! You are making a big mistake! We do not NEED to spend money on defense or in midfield, even if I retract that statement in the next two days!

Levy: Arsene, if you really want a forward, we’ll look into Gervinho from Roma.

***

Levy goes on to restructure Wenger’s contract, which includes a clause that states he is no longer responsible for player fitness. Arsenal Hotspur barely has any injuries as a result, except for a fortnight before Chelsea where four of the six attacking midfielders on the squad complain of dehydration and can’t play. The squad is FORCED to field 3 DMs, and miraculously beats Chelsea easily 2-0.

During the post game presser, a female journalist asked if the lack of injuries is related to the clause or is a coincidence.

Arsene is incensed. He calls Monseiur Levy and says that it’s unfair, and that the journalist is not a physiotherapist or a fitness coach, and therefore is not qualified to start making assumptions like this. His cries fall on deaf ears, and after Gervinho’s surprise return at the end of January, the relationship between Levy and Wenger disintegrates.

Arsenal Hotspur come into the final week even with Chelsea, as a seven-game unbeaten run pulled them level with Jose Mourinho’s Blues. Both sides have a +44 goal difference.

They lose the league on the final day when Stoke manage a 0-0 draw at the Britannia, while Chelsea win 1-0 via a 90th minute goal from Cesc Fabregas. The club then start preparations for the CL final against Atletico Madrid, after they eliminated Monaco, Basel, and Shakhtar in succession. ATM simply outmuscle them and get a set piece goal to win the final. Dejected, Wenger retires and Levy sells his stake of the club to an Arab shiekh, who replaces Arsene with Jurgen Klopp. The former Dortmund man wins the Premier League on his first try, but gets knocked out of the next Champions League by Xavi’s Barcelona…in the round of 16.

So now, we want to hear from you. What would the Arsenal Hotspur XI look like? Where would players dropped from the squad go? Be creative! Leave your responses in the comments, or tweet us @edizd_.

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