A Premier League Rooting Guide

Are you an American looking to pick a Premier League to support this season? I can say with almost 100% certainty that you will pick Manchester City, Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal, Everton, Tottenham or Manchester United. Those are pretty much the only seven teams Americans pick. Before you declare your allegiance to one of those seven, we here at EDIZD have made a guide explaining why you should root for one of the other 13 teams in the Premier League.

Aston Villa

Christian Benteke is Aston Villa’s main attraction. The big Belgian’s 2012-13 debut season was a spectacle to behold, as only Robin Van Persie, Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale scored more than him. Last season Benteke was seventeenth in scoring; he tore his Achilles in April and missed the World Cup. If he can return to his 2012-13 form there’s very few strikers who are more exciting to see go to work than Benteke. America’s first choice goalkeeper during Tim Howard’s hiatus, Brad Guzan, starts for Villa.

Burnley & Leicester

Burnley and Leicester are largely interchangeable in their description. Both have been in the Premier League previously in the last decade. Neither have any particularly exciting players. If you’re going to root for Burnley or Leicester, root for them as the big underdogs in the Premier League.

Crystal Palace

Crystal Palace is the most American team you can find. While there’s currently zero Americans on the roster, they do have two beautifully American things: bald eagles and cheerleaders. They’re first in the Premier League in freedom, damn it. And in case that’s not enough for you, Crystal Palace also has the proud distinction of making Luis Suarez cry. Also they fired their manager right before the season and the guy who was about to be their new manager sent a bunch of sexist, homophobic and racists texts that became public. So that’s kind of ridiculous.

Hull City

Hull City are called the Tigers. Lots of English teams have nicknames like the Red Devils for Manchester United, but Hull are the only one to put it right there on the logo. Roar. If being named the Tigers isn’t enough, Hull are also playing in the Europa League, the Champions League’s less-prestigious little brother. But Hull weren’t in the Premier League two season ago, and now they’re in the same competition as prestigious clubs like Tottenham and Internazionale. Lastly, one of their players has some sick dance moves.

Newcastle

Newcastle are perfect if you’re a Francophile. The Magpies have nine French players and have increasingly earned a reputation for a curious transfer policy of largely focusing on the French. If you hate the French, then you can still support Newcastle on the basis of their manager, Alan Pardew. He called another manager a “fucking old cunt” and headbutted a player.

Queens Park Rangers

QPR have three of the most entertaining and, depending on you ask, hated figures in England. They are managed by Harry Redknapp, who will tell you first hand that he’s not a wheeler and dealer. The midfield will be patrolled by Joey Barton, who is known more for his tweets (@Joey7Barton) than his play. I’d like to link the best example of his controversial tweets but it’s too hard to pick one. In defense is former Manchester United and England captain Rio Ferdinand.  He’s also a hat salesman.

Southampton

Southampton prides itself on a great youth academy, having produces great names like Gareth Bale and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. They’ll have plenty of exciting English talents to watch like Adam Lallana, Luke Shaw, Callum Chambers and Rickie Lambert. Well they still have Jay Rodriguez, for now.

Stoke

Stoke have Peter Crouch. At six feet and seven inches he is one of tallest players in the Premier League. He was once asked what he would be if he wasn’t a footballer and answered “a virgin.” He’s also famous for his robot celebration. Stoke also have Bojan Krkic, who is much smaller at five foot seven and was developed at Barcelona’s prestigious La Masia and has played in Rome, Milan and Amsterdam. Now he’s in the less-than-glamorous Stoke-On-Trent. The combination of Crouch and Bojan would be a fantastic buddy comedy and has the potential to be one of the most curious attacking threats in the Premier League.

Sunderland

JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZY ALTIDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE (He only scored one goal in the Premier League last season but who cares?)

Swansea

Swansea are Welsh but play in the English Premier League, which is amusing. The Swans’ player to watch is forward Wilfried Bony. He is the leading candidate to replace Didier Drogba as the Ivory Coast’s striker and plays a bit like him, too. There’s also Jonjo Shelvey, who scored this wondergoal.

West Brom

I really have nothing for West Brom. They don’t have cool kits, particularly talented players or an eccentric manager. Just don’t root for West Brom. Unless you like your team to be called “the Baggies.”

West Ham

Have you ever seen Green Street Hooligans? You know, that movie where Frodo becomes a football hooligan? Well that’s about West Ham. Additionally, manager Sam Allardyce never comes short for entertainment. In 2010 he said he could manage Real Madrid and win trophies. Just last year he said he couldn’t give a shit about Jose Mourinho after Mourinho complained about his tactics in a 0-0 draw. Barack Obama is a Hammers fan, too.

 

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About Jordan Katz

Journalism student at the University of Maryland.
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